i don't know you... you don't know me...

after days, weeks and months of pain; funny after reading your email i just found out I don't know much about you. what are you up to, what you are doing, what is your priorities - short and long term?

i was pushing for myself for days and days, making myself look and sound like a fool. it drove me nuts... it drove me crazy and made me sound like a whatever... can no longer find a word to describe myself all these days that had past...

my friend is right, how can we nurture this relationship if we don't cultivate it, water it... i realized we don't talk and share what is within us. all our talks are about being tired of work, hating your job, bad schedules. too busy... sore legs, aching back and so on and so forth... but we never talk about what are we doing. i know you are a great poet, an excellent writer and has a good taste for music. but i never knew you are up to something. writing a book?. i don't know about it... sorry, i know all this trouble i caused you can never be taken as an inspiration to whatever you are doing...

come to think of it, i don't even know how many are you in the family, or have i told you mine?. yes i remember i did told you i came from a big family, but the number? oh my, you don't know it either because i forgot to tell you and we never talked about it.

we don't have time to ask each other how are you each and every day? we are damn (sorry for the word) too busy and preoccupied.   have i told you that after my check-up last week, the doctor cannot tell me what's wrong with me unless i come back today for another test. have i told you i am afraid. that i feel so alone. or do i have to wait for you to ask me? so when someone dies in the hospital that day, we will never knew...

oh my! with all my overboard jealousy and craving for your attention, i forgot to ask you are you fine out there? are you tired, exhausted? hungry? i don't know...

i think, all this time the only problem is communication...

i do not know if i need to laugh at this or be sorry?.. i think both...

i am sorry, i don't know which side of the bed or the table i should be when i'm with you. I don't know if i would be contented pushing you at the backstage to do what i love about you and what you love doing.. or to be in front in the crowd to cheer and clap. i don't know...

i think i love you and i miss you is not enough... i think we need to communicate, we need to talk... they say don't expect so you won't get hurt. can that be possible? i don't know because as far as i know, when two people embrace each other, they become one. they become a compliment to each other. therefore, there are expectations. there is something. and there is needing... there is longing... that's the reason why you embrace each other. and for me, just one simple thing, i need you... i need a little of your time everyday...

tell me what you need and i'll do my best to give it you... can't promise to be the best but i will do everything to be... i'll be waiting...

you know what i think is missing. just like a good husband and a caring wife, the happiness of waking up in the morning to get an inspiration from the person lying beside you and the comfort of the arm and embrace when you got home after the days of work... what do you think?