what to tell..

what would i tell you now.

i find it useless anyway. i think you really don't care. you really don't mind what's happening to me. jj can wait until i have a time for him to send him a message. or time for me to call him. he will just be waiting for me no matter what.

maybe you are right. no! again i am wrong, it's not maybe... it is suppose to be absolutely right. i am just here, waiting. but i cannot promise you forever.

i hope this time i can find the courage to tell you without crying things that i really hate you are doing to me. the minute i saw my phone blink for a message and saw your name, it is no longer excitement, it is sadness and tears. and when i open it, surely, nothing about me... it's all about you... and when i hear my phone ringing, i choke and tears with just run down my cheeks and i suddenly get lost of words.

when i learned how to do this blogging, i thought to myself... now i have a way to express and let him know what i feel. he who finds time to check people's works and essays and poems for sure, he'll find time to see what i am too... but surprise! surprise! just like how i am left, and feeling neglected; no replies on emails and text messages, even it concerns the two of us... just the same ,you cannot find time to read my blog. for sure you'll tell me i just assumed it. but try to think of it, if you did read my blog you should have known what's happening. or you simply doesn't care...

the most painful thing about learning this blog is. i develop insecurity and jealousy of your time. those times that i felt you neglected me, are the times you are sitting on your computer doing some poems for yourself and others and making remarks to your blog friends. i know how much time you need to click and open their blogs and make a comment. i know how long it takes for someone to analyze pictures and create a wonderful poem and move those pictures. but as i have said on my post yesterday, it only needs 10 seconds to tell me i love you and how are you? and i cannot be just an audience of your wonderful writings and creations. that is not the reason you come to me and introduce yourself and until we became "US"...

maybe i am wrong... maybe this blog world is only for the highly intellectual people that needs time to browse deep writings that needs enough time to understand. and this is not for silly posts like this that would bore or put someone to tears or even to sadden someone.

i am in pain... and because i admire you and i love you... i want to keep my self in tact so i can find time to read your post and continue admiring them with respect. with love...

you don't know what i am going through because if you do, you won't do things that you know would hurt me. i raise my case and i am leaving it all to you, you decide. and whatever your decision maybe, i'll respect it. just let me know. but again if you decide to keep me; then, make sure that you are willing to do some 10 second sacrifices everyday before anybody else... to keep me alive... to keep me warm... to keep me going. to keep me in love...