Sunday, March 11, 2012

I Have A Confession To Make

(i did this post yesterday while i am very sad and low. accept my apologies for how this post went. thinking of erasing it but i already did so might as well keep it...

i have been keeping this big secret
for six years
ten months
and one day now....

at the break of my depression; i myself is noticing my change of mood and way of thinking and my patience getting bad, i was then thirty five years old... my family and friends are just probably timid or scared to tell me that i am having attitude problem because they are scared of how i am going to react.

depressed of what? you may ask...

i may say that before that age, i am self-reliant, in my own little way i can make things work out for myself especially about money...

but of course my mother, my stepfather and my siblings are once and a while there to lend a hand.

i thought my capacity of earning will never change. that everyday until the end of my life i will be earning that much or to a better thought, earning more as day goes by.

but, i was wrong not only that some little things take me away from working, recession also took place.

i spent almost every dime i have in my pocket but too ashamed to admit it. so at that age of thirty five, i reassess myself what happened? that i was so sad of what i did...

i do not have any money at all comparing myself to peers and classmates. they are all way ahead of me
thinking that these people look up to me as one of the best guys in class. and no matter what i do, i do not see myself moving forward.

until one day my youngest brother, romano who is then working in Taipei in a nursing home called and asked me, "kuya (older brother in filipino) if you are willing to forget everything that you have there and start all over again, i will help you to come over here and work like me. hard work but better income?"

with the tone of better income, i said, "yes'...

so off i go to attend six months of caregiving course after office at 6pm 'til 9pm... and as expected JJ finished the course on top of the class... funny, that i was asked to make sure to attend our graduation just to find out that no matter what they do it is me who got the three awards for my class...

"best in class"
"best in practicum - hospital"
"best in practicum - housekeeping"

maybe not the kind of awards that everyone is dreaming of getting but for me it is an accomplishment... simply shows how serious i am in what i am doing no matter how important or simple it is.

so off i need to send my papers to my brother.

my boss, who is so good to me told me, "JJ i do not think you can survive that kind of job. thinking of what you have here." I was then a unit manager for a big insurance company. I am even handling the radio program for the provincial government as one of the primary hosts. so she advise me to just file
an indefinite leave, so, should i want to come back, there is a job waiting for me.

but the truth is, the worst sacrifice i have to make is this -

on May 10, 2005
I have my small tattoo
burned to erase it.
i was asked to appear for
an interview and medical on june 10
for the job in taiwan
and everyone is afraid that
if i have a tattoo i may not pass.
with a limited time
i have put myself
to the worst - burn my skin deep
that the tattoo will be gone.
until now, i still cry whenever i think of it...
yes, i tried to enquire about erasing it
the cosmetic way, but i need to have
6 months and three sessions
which i do not have...

(to be continued... getting emotional here... sorry!)..


  1. oh my! jj, i knew about your story here because of our days in the insurance company but i didn't know about your tattoo...i could just imagine the pain! but all is well now. i salute you for what you are now! the sufferings you've been through made you a better, stronger and successful person...God bless you jj...

  2. ParengJJ
    Reflecting on the past is good therapy to guide for the future.Great write!


  3. ouch man, that burn looks like it hurts...i know a bit of the struggle to make ends meat man...glad you are sharing this....

  4. That lesion will be scarred for life. Repentance always comes last indeed.

  5. I knew from the start that this was not a scar from a motorcycle mishap.

    An unspoken understanding...

    I could sense a deeper inner pain. Why else would I kiss it so tenderly?

    You are safe now. Let go of the pain of the past and begin your healing

    I am here always.

    Mahal na mahal kita.

  6. I think the world of you and your bravery to become the best are very talented...take your time...when you can see the doc and get it taken care of..because I think you want it to look better...but it needn't be..we and Jc love you just the way you are...

  7. This is hard to read, but quite beautiful in the telling.

    Thanks for sharing such courage and determination.


  8. I'm sad for your pain and impressed by your courage. I've been broke and down as well, and it's miserable, but never measure your worth by money. I know some wealthy people who are mean, selfish - and lead very unhappy lives.


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